⚽ For those who know their football

What's Your Feetball Position?

Take the 60‑second quiz, get your position, and grab your copy of Feetball — the funny grassroots football book, out now.

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No wrong answers.

The quiz

Five questions. One position.

1. Last minute, 1–1, the ball lands at your feet in the box. What do you do?

Smash it top corner. No hesitation. Pass it off — someone else can have the glory. Wait, you're not even in the box — you're tracking back. Why are you in the box? Get back in goal! Get out of the way!

2. Pre-match warm-up. What are you actually doing?

Practising shooting. Obviously. Keepy-ups, purely to look cool. Making sure everyone's boots are tied properly. Stretching like your life depends on it. Checking out the oppo to see who looks good.

3. Your team is losing 3–0. What's your energy?

"Give me the ball. I'll sort this." "Right — let's actually pass to each other for once." "At least it's not 4–0 because of ME." "I've saved worse. Probably." "Next goals massive. We score and we're right back in it."

4. Post-match. What do you brag about?

Goals. Obviously goals. The assist nobody else even noticed. The tackle that definitely wasn't a foul. The save that should honestly be on TV. I don't brag. Everyone knows I'm a legend.

5. Coach (definitely someone's dad, definitely winging it) yells your name. What's he shouting?

"SHOOT!" "SPREAD OUT!" (nobody spreads out) "MARK YOUR MAN!" (there is no man) "STAY ON YOUR LINE!" "RIGHT, WHO'S GONNA REF!?"

Pick an answer for every question first — go on, even question 5.

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A note from the author

I wrote Feetball after one season of coaching my son's team. One word. Chaos!

NickWriting as NA Majer · Feetball